Adam is Sexiest

S Aufrecht

“It has happened before,” Channing said. “It will happen again. It will happen to you. Do it now.” Adam squeezed the stone knife so hard he felt the outline of it against his bones. He has a child, he thought. A wife and a child. “I can’t,” he heard himself say. “I can’t.”

Channing rattled his chains. “It’s the Sexiest Man Alive,” he growled. “I watched Bradley Cooper twitch in a pool of his own filth at my feet, and I showed him no mercy with these two hands.” There was blood on his mouth. “While I live, you cannot reign. Kill me. DO IT. Kill me. Kill me.”

Adam lifted a shaking hand and pointed the knife at Channing’s throat. “What I am about to do, I do for beauty,” he chanted.

“What we are about to do, we do for beauty,” the hooded crowd replied. Somewhere, the ghost of Ryan Reynolds smiled.

—Daniel Mallory Ortberg, The Toast1


  1. Ortberg, Daniel Mallory. (2013-Nov-20). The Crowning of Adam Levine, The Sexiest Man Alive. The Toast. Retrieved from http://the-toast.net/2013/11/20/adam-levine-sexiest-man-alive/